Losing the Crown

I may have made a slight modification or two

An unfortunate consequence of being off the bike for so long has been the steady stream of Strava e-mails notifying me that I've lost a KOM. Alright, so by "steady stream" I actually mean three. Or maybe four, I can't remember. Now, I haven't really been very interested in obtaining KOMs, but the few that I have err, had (especially one on OST) were fun to "own" -- if just for a moment. When the notice came in a few days ago that yet another crown had been unceremoniously ripped from my pointy head I must admit I was a bit bummed. It was an unwelcome reminder that I'm still on the sideline, losing fitness every day while others are getting stronger.

A warning. I had a little fun with this post, and likely will offend anyone who knows their history.

Way back in '09 (that's 1509) a guy named Hank received a crown and became the KOE (King of England). I think he was 18 years old at the time; I'll Google it later. He held his KOE for nearly 40 years and during that time he had many "accomplishments", including:

• Marrying a girl named Catherine
• Having a bunch of jousting tournaments and festivals
• Marrying another girl named Catherine
• Invading France (I'm pretty sure he won)
• Marrying a third girl named Catherine
• Separating the Church of England from the Roman Catholic Church
• Marrying another girl (I forgot her name; it wasn't Catherine)
• Spending tons of money on jewels, weapons, palaces, ships, and rugs (fancy ones)
• Marrying another girl (forgot name)
• Having a son named Eddy (not Merckx) who ended up taking the KOE
• Marrying yet another girl (a "J" name I think)
• Executing around 30 people (including one of the Catherines)

I'll Google all this later to fact-check and update (maybe). I'm pretty sure he only had one wife at a time. Obviously I needed to pay closer attention during history class.

Another "accomplishment" Henry VIII had during his KOE reign was weight gain. He put on around 200 lbs sitting on his throne! They (some museum somewhere, I think) have his armor and it could fit a horse (well, not a horse; but it is really big). His obesity was so bad it led to his death at the age of 55. He spent a lot of time desperately trying to have a son to inherit his KOE -- hence the six wives -- and unfortunately his only son (Eddy) died at the age of 15 (with no children).

Fatty McFatPants (aka King Henry VIII)

Side note. Back in High School I stayed at the Queen Mary in Long Beach, CA (a ship converted to a hotel). The ship is said to be haunted but my buddies and I spent all night ghost-hunting and found nothing. King Hank the Eighth had a daughter named Mary (who became Queen Mary when Eddy died), but I don't think the ship docked at Long Beach is named after her. So this paragraph is basically worthless.

The (other) Queen Mary

Another (more useful) side note. Catherine number 2 (or 3, I can't remember) was executed because she cheated on Hank. After it was removed from her body, Catherine's head was placed atop the London Bridge for all to see and be reminded of what a fantastic, fat king they had. The bridge ended up demolished because kings like Hank kept adding building structures to it (recall "London Bridge is falling down, my fair lady"), so in the mid-1800s a new bridge was built to replace it. That bridge was sold in 1967, completely disassembled, and shipped to Lake Havasu City, Arizona to be reconstructed. In March of 2000, my partners and I started our company (Kelly, Wright & Associates). Our very first project was to evaluate the natural gas utility line that ran inside the London Bridge. There are a bunch of bats that call the bridge home, and their byproduct (guano) kept triggering the natural gas detection system. So there you go -- Henry VIII to bat dung in just three steps.

The London Bridge, before it moved to Arizona

Now, if there's one thing I remember from my history professor it's that, "Those who something something are condemned to repeat it." And there's little doubt that repeating something considered a condemnation is to be avoided -- so it would be prudent to figure out what went wrong with Hank v8. Though admittedly an odd thing, I doubt the problem is with the recurrence of wives named Catherine. It seems to me Hank's problem was that he sat on his fat butt spending money like a modern American politician eating anything unfortunate enough to end up within reach of his fat, porky hands.

Hurry up and finish that albatross, fatty

I wonder if Hank would have me beheaded or hanged, drawn and quartered for calling him fatty.

The problem with being king is you can lose the motivation to become better. You can just sit on your throne collecting Catherines and buying fancy rugs. Eating horse burgers and executing ex-wives. You can become complacent, apathetic, bored, lazy, fat. Being king isn't necessarily a bad thing -- after all you can invade France -- but don't settle for just being king. Seek to conquer new kingdoms, to expand your territory, to have more sons (the analogy sort of breaks down here).

If you've been able to collect a few KOMs, hopefully Mark C. will come take them from you -- and when it happens, don't be bummed about it. Instead, welcome the opportunity to become better.

PRs > KOMs

To those who have stolen my crowns:
I am coming for you and I will show you no mercy. It may take some time, but I promise that some day you will see a blur, barely making out the word "Ridley" as I fly by. You'll feel the weight lifted as I snatch back my crown and you'll hear the roar of the people cheering as I restore peace to the realm!